


Love Me Not

by katherine1753



Category: Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell (TV), Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell - Susanna Clarke
Genre: Gen, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-04
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:07:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26804116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katherine1753/pseuds/katherine1753
Summary: In which Lascelles tries to get Childermass fired, Norrell has a panic attack, and Childermass...well he’s just trying to figure out what the hell is going on.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 7





	Love Me Not

Gilbert Norrell was deeply engrossed in his book, which was a very usual state for him to be in. It was a very good book, though by most people’s standards it would be considered quite long and very boring, but he had read it four times already and found each time just as, if not more, enjoyable than the last. It was sometime in the mid-afternoon, he’d lost track of the exact hour, and he was working on...well, whatever he was working on, and was very distracted by this wonderful book. The only thing ruining his afternoon was someone talking directly next to him. 

Oh, right. Henry Lascelles. Yes, they were supposed to be working on the book. But Norrell was busy reading something else and Lascelles had been rambling on and on and on and it was so hard to listen to that man’s voice when the lovely pages were right in front of him and he knew he really should be paying attention but-

“-because he’s in love with you, of course,” Lascelles finished. Norrell’s gaze finally snapped up from the page. The tone was borderline condescending, and while Gilbert wasn’t quite sure what to do with that, the words themselves were much more shocking. 

“What? Who...what?” Who could possibly be in love with him? Surely he’d heard wrong? The idea was simply laughable. 

Lascelles rolled his eyes like he was amused but frustrated. Again, Norrell wasn’t sure what to do with that. He never really was quite sure what to do with Henry Lascelles. “Your servant. Man of business. Whatever. Childermass. He’s in love with you; it’s pitifully obvious. Pathetic, really. Why else would he stick around and do so much more than his job requires, always getting in the way, always getting special treatment. It’s not normal for servants. He’s gotten comfortable and thinks he can get away with it. But I know how it is, I’ve had many of my servants fall in love with me, it’s best if you just fire them. Nip it in the bud before it becomes something of a problem.”

Norrell’s brain was still trying to process the information given to him. “...Childermass?” it was nothing short of horrifying. Both the thought of firing Childermass and the fact that apparently, Childermass was in love with him. Childermass was always incredibly helpful, even with his sarcasm and eye rolls, and Norrell truly didn’t know where he’d be without him. Did all of that come from love? Surely he hadn’t given Childermass any reason to think…

Oh, but Norrell couldn’t remember Childermass ever courting anyone, ever even taking a day off, every moment was spent  _ with  _ Norrell or  _ for  _ Norrell. Gilbert frowned. But that was a servant’s job, wasn’t it? He was about to turn and ask Lascelles but as he did, he saw that the man was gone and that it was already dark outside. He must have been lost in thought for longer than he thought. It happened when he was anxious, and these thoughts were particularly stressful. 

Thankfully, Childermass was off on an errand that would have him gone overnight. Norrell usually didn’t feel that way, especially being away from Hurtfew, but he needed more time to think this over. He didn’t think Lascelles would have any reason to make things up such as this. Or maybe Lascelles had misinterpreted Childermass’s intentions. But if he was correct, if Childermass was in love with him, well, he’d have to put an end to it. Gilbert knew he’d never be able to reciprocate, and he almost felt sorry for Childermass about it, but everything about this was just mostly upsetting to him. And he hated things that upset him. 

Firing Childermass was absolutely out of the question; Norrell knew he’d never be able to find even a semi-adequate replacement. And he couldn’t think of any magic that would help in this situation, which made it all the more frustrating. It wasn’t something he could ignore and hope it would go away, which was his default way of coping with things that were beyond his or Childermass’s control. But how to get someone to fall out of love with you, when you weren’t even sure why they were in love with you in the first place? Norrell sighed as he climbed into his bed and pulled the covers up to his chin.

He’d have to deal with this eventually. Soon. It was the sort of thing that he would have Childermass deal with. Except, not at all, because this sort of thing had never happened to him before, as far as he knew. And, when the ‘thing’ in question was Childermass himself, well...Norrell would have to do it. He hated it. He hated confrontation and he hated feelings and he didn’t want to hurt Childermass and he didn’t want to lose him. Childermass was his employee, yes, but also his closest and only friend. He got special treatment because he was capable and he would do anything asked of him and would deal with any of the things that Norrell didn’t want to. Was that truly because he was in love with Gilbert? 

Norrell didn’t understand. Sure, there were people he liked much better than others, but he’d never felt romantic stirrings, the accelerated heartbeat, the butterflies he’d heard about and read about. It all had seemed rather absurd. And perhaps there had been some truth in it, the way Jonathan Strange looked at his wife was definitely with an expression that one could call love. It was just that Gilbert had never felt these feelings himself. And he didn’t know how to deal with it, and he didn’t want to deal with it. Especially because the only way he could figure to solve this whole issue would be to talk directly to Childermass about it. Which sounded awful. But, he supposed, probably not as awful as dragging this out too much longer. 

He fell asleep with his mind racing, trying to figure out what to do. In the morning, he was no closer to an answer, and mere moments from Childermass returning. 

Maybe he could just observe and see if it was true. But. He didn’t really understand how people showed romantic interest. What if, a truly horrifying thought, Childermass had been interested in him this entire time and Norrell didn’t know? What if Lascelles had never spoken up about it? Would he continue to pine away miserably? Would he try to escalate things? Would he quit because Norrell didn’t return his affections? All of the questions piling up in his brain made Gilbert feel sick. Maybe that was what Lascelles had meant, about things becoming a problem. This was definitely a problem. 

Childermass had said hello to him when he returned (was there hidden meaning in the small quirk of his lips? Was there something in his unreadable gaze?) and handed Norrell the papers he’d been sent to fetch (they were well organized, did that mean something? Was that not what was always expected of Childermass anyway?). Norrell wished he’d been able to understand people and expressions and unspoken meanings behind gestures and words. It would be so much easier if everyone just spoke plainly.

Everything seemed...normal. Which unsettled Norrell even more. Because maybe Childermass  _ had  _ been in love with him for decades. Which was even more awful than just a recent thing. Norrell knew he was fidgeting more than normal, and prone to distraction. Childermass was frowning a bit more than his usual too, and Gilbert knew he noticed his unease, which made him all the more uneasy.

“Are you alright, sir?” Childermass spoke up finally, breaking the uncomfortable silence that used to be a very comfortable thing between them.

“Oh. Yes. Just fine,” Norrell lied. Shuffled some papers around. He needed to speak up, he needed to ask- he turned around and pretended to read the spines of books behind him, like he was looking for something, just to avert his gaze and avoid eye contact. It would be easier to ask if he didn’t have to look at him. “Childermass," he took a breath. "Would you fetch me that book I was working on last week?” Gilbert asked instead, staring at the bookshelf in front of him. He knew he was being a coward, but he couldn’t help it. 

He felt a presence behind him. He turned. Childermass was close. Very close. Maybe this is what Lascelles had meant, maybe this was the problem he was talking about. He was leaning in, his arm was reaching up to the shelf behind him, framing Norrell in, oh God, oh no-

“Childermass! Please- don’t!” Gilbert screwed his eyes shut and turned his head away, panicking. Had he accidentally encouraged Childermass? He was too close, much too close-

Childermass froze. “Don’t...what?”

“Don’t kiss me!” he stammered out. “I’m sorry! I don’t...I…” he let one eye creep open, expecting to see a heartbroken expression on Childermass’s face. But...but that look...surely that was one of confusion? Of confoundment? 

“And why on earth would I kiss you? Do you think that is something I would do?” Childermass asked, voice careful, lowering his arm from- oh. From where he had been reaching for the book that Norrell had asked for. Oh. Childermass set the book on Norrell's desk. Suddenly he felt rather foolish. 

“Lascelles said…'' he tried, wincing at Childermass’s sudden frown. “He said that you were in love with me, and that’s why you stick around, and do extra favors, and he said it would be a problem, and...” And Gilbert wanted to shut his eyes again, wanted to crawl into a book, into a hole, just disappear forever. 

The barking laugh that escaped Childermass startled him. He probably should have been offended that such a thing could cause such amusement, but he was honestly relieved. A rare smile was on Childermass’s face. “Oh, don’t worry, Mr. Norrell. I’m most definitely not in love with you. I do these things because it is my job, and because you are my friend. It’s much easier for the both of us when I do my job this way.”

“Oh,” Norrell breathed a sigh of relief, a nervous smile flitting across his own face when Childermass stepped back to give him more space. 

“Ah. Well. Very good then.” Norrell cleared his throat. A sudden rush of gratitude overcame him. He should have never doubted Childermass. “You’re...you are my dearest friend, and...and…” he tried, words escaping before they were finished. “I need you, Childermass, but not like that,” he admitted. He felt rather vulnerable, but he also realized he’d never expressed much in the way of appreciation towards Childermass before. 

Childermass’s smile softened. “Thank you, sir,” he said genuinely. “I’ll ask Hannah to make you some tea.” And Norrell hadn’t even known he wanted tea until Childermass had said so. He was lucky to have a friend like Childermass, one who understood him so well. He sat back down at his desk. This had gone rather well, he thought. 

When Childermass had returned with his cup, they both went back to reading, and the silence was once again a comfortable, companionable thing. Gilbert was so very happy. Childermass knew him well, and he knew Childermass, and things could stay exactly as they were before. Which was better than Norrell had hoped. Except-

“Oh,” he realized. “What will I tell Lascelles?”

Childermass looked up at him with a questioning noise. 

“He said I should get rid of you…” Norrell felt ashamed, but he knew Childermass understood. 

“Lascelles doesn’t like me much,” Childermass replied. 

“Oh. I didn’t realize,” Norrell admitted. 

“I know. It’s fine. He doesn’t worry me.”

“I think he might worry me…”

“I think a lot of people worry you, sir,” Childermass said softly. It was true. “I can’t believe you thought I was in love with you.”

“Well I wouldn’t know!” Gilbert felt flustered. 

“I know,” Childermass amended. “I’ve always known your feelings about romantic inclinations.” And subconsciously, Norrell knew that Childermass knew, but it felt nice to hear it spoken in confirmation. “Confirmed bachelors, you and I. Whether Lascelles truly believes it or not. I can deal with him, if you’d like.”

“Would you? Thank you, Childermass.”

“Of course, sir. I would enjoy it very much.” And if Childermass looked a little too eager about it, Norrell wouldn't say anything to stop him.

- - - -

The next day Henry Lascelles came by, he looked shocked to see that Childermass was still there, lurking in the background. But he seemed to get past it quickly enough, settling into his usual routine with Norrell. 

When it began to get late, Childermass brought them a round of tea, pouring a cup for Norrell, as usual, and leaving Lascelles to deal with his cup on his own. He paused by their table. Norrell looked up and the expression on Childermass’s face was...something gleefully wicked. His eyes flickered to Lascelles briefly before focusing back on Norrell. And Gilbert knew he was about to ‘deal with Lascelles’ as he had said. 

“Anything else you need, sir? A kiss goodnight, perhaps?” Childermass asked with a smirk. 

Gilbert felt his red cheeks and his horrified expression go to war on his face. “No! Of course not!” he sputtered. That was not what he was expecting. But Childermass just laughed his way out of the room. Probably because Lascelles looked absolutely gobsmacked at the impropriety. Well. Perhaps it was all settled then. 


End file.
